Thursday, 11 August 2011

Meditating Continued

So since my last session I recorded on here, I've continued to meditate but I haven't experienced that flying sensation again. Now I just feel this sort of numbness which fills the whole of my body and seems to lift my soul out of me. I've sat and talked to My Helen, but about what I can't recall. She warned me to not tell anyone about this but maybe that's just my consciousness telling me to not blabber to people about this, but this doesn't count, because no-one I know about reads it anyway.

Anyway so yeah, last time I talked about having a sense of deja vu whilst meditating, and I know what it is now. Well more of an idea of what it could be. Its a memory trying to escape and for some reason I just can't seem to access it. But this is what I've deduced from it so far. When I was little I had a bad dream when i was really ill, and it was like really when your ears are blocked and it was sort of silent. And I'm a little girl, and all I know is that something small suddenly explodes into something really big. It's more clearer when I'm meditating and I can really feel my the sense of anxiousness and anticipation in my stomach just as I did then when I first dreamt about it. But there's something more to this that I hope to find out. It's annoying though because I can never fully slip into it and get the sense of motion like I did the first and 2nd time, because some prt of my conscious keeps stopping me. Like I'd suddenly get an uncontrollable urge to itch my head or my leg or anywhere really, and it always makes me so frustrated and stops me from sinking deeper.

And when I do reach there, I get scared that My Helen's face will turn into some scary figure. I remember even watching someone looking in the mirror and their reflection was a skull. This meditation thing is so surreal, but maybe I'll have better luck with it tonight.

Saturday, 6 August 2011


So I looked into the power of suggestion and came across self hypnosis and meditation to make your subconcious more accessible and therefore more susceptible to your suggestions I guess. So basically getting to that state of mind and thinking of specific desirable scenarios. It's kind of what I do anyway when I daydream, but I dream of the wrong scenarios.

Whilst doing my research on the power of suggestion I came across self hypnosis videos that kind of half way worked for me. Like some video were trying to make you think certain stuff and while I found myself thinking about it, I would also end up asking why. There was one trying to get ur feet stuck on the ground and while I felt an immensely weird tingly sensation, my feet did not get stuck. I must also mention that these videos used the hypnotising spinning spiral thing, and my eyes watered a lot.

When I first tried meditating I listened to some Japanese music. I remember
my breathing was rhythmic. I felt like I was in a really fast car spiralling out of control but whilst I was in the car I was safe. It's kind of like that feeling in your stomach that u get when the plane takes off, except I felt like a I was travelling through space and time. I was scared after that time to try again properly, but I gave it a Shot nearly every night.
I did come to notice that in my normal life I feel less anxious and more clear and patient. Also it's much easier for me to fall Asleep.

Today I meditated and I felt like I was flying and I couldn't feel my body. And I was in a field blowing those fluffy flower things, then I reached the beach just me and the ocean in in front of me. Then my Helen was there, seeing her for the first time. She had sunny blonde hair . She told me she was proud of me for getting this far. she wanted to sit down and tell me about being strong but I kept blocking that out scared of what was going on in the real world (I'm scared of the dark) funny coz when I was meditating it was sunny. She held my hand and I was bought back into my thoughts deeper. she turned me around to lush green house a cute little Japanese house stood there and beside it the tree I sat on in one of my previous sesssions. Then a man was with me and we danced like we were on strictly come dancing or summink and then he picked me up and flew. I remember having a sense of de ja vu though about what I can't tell.

Friday, 29 July 2011

Mumbo Jumbo

We drove for miles and miles, through the motorway and across the contryside. I don;t know what we were running to or running. From I remember we were in india, at the old hous , except the big house wasn't there, just tiny little houses, and that the land that we owned was no the home to a village. We had bikes so we rode them down to this youth centre like place. It was like a spa gym place and all these Engllish tourists were there. I remember walking in, whoever that was with me was standing behind me, and these people were walking out single file, voices bubbling excitedly about something or the other. I remember thinking that I should come and stay in India more often and explore places such as these. I know that I was with a boy now, but who I can't remember, we walk down all these corridors which were dimly lit. There were these carpeted stairs opposite big double doors, and feeling a bit suffocated by the confined spaces and the amount of people we decided to go up them. They lead to another set of double doors, and when we went through them we were on a brightly sunlit corridor. Next thing I know we are being chased and we jump out of the window onto the flat roof...

We're in the car again, green space thats fenced off - probably a mini park, pavements and tress and a lampost, thats what I see when look out of th window of wherever we are, when we have parked up. Someone's gone to someone's house. We're waiting for them to get back.

We've gone back to India. It's the funeral of my uncles father-in-law (who has already passd away in real life, and I remember very well, but I was never close to him at all). The house has a lot of people in it, and I remember shoving past people to get somewhere.

I'm aware of Norman being in my dram, but I cant really say what he was doing there. Me and Helen find a lake. It's kind of like a a massive well except not so deep and more cave like. There's stairs leading down, and the water is so clear its blue. I sit lengthways on one of the steps, and my legs are totally submerged in water. We are waiting for Norman to get back, and in the meantime me and her talk, catchign achother up on whatever.

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Dreams are treasure

No truer words exist. When I woke up from July 13th dream I immediately thought of this song. Ever since I started blogging I feel like its harder to remember my dreams. Maybe it's better this way, it filters out all the junk. Kind of gutted though. The whole point of this was to explore my dream world more.

July 13th: "Joey! Get Back Here!!"

Joey (Yes, the same Joey from Friends) runs through the double doors of the Sainsbury's in Hayes where Daniel works.
"What is this beer??" He shouts, looking at the stacks of boxes with a reduced sign hanging on top of it. He picks up the sign and chucks it to the floor before walking off on a rant. Excuse me, I hear a authorative man talk to Joey.
"Aw crap," I think before turning to see who was reprimanding him. A man leans over the customer service counter, arm outstretched to try and grab the attention of Joey who turns the corner. The man's arm drops. I recognise him instantly, even though he is facing awa from me. The way his hair was set in a messy disarray, leading down to a thin tail at the nape of his neck. He turns towards to me, his face disgruntled. My heart misses a beat, and theres a slight pang in my stomach. Longing and anger coarses through me at the same time racing eachother. My desire to go to him wins. I take a step towards to him. His gae is towards the floor, shaking his head, eyebrows pulled together. Suddenly, someone grabs my arms.
"Where's Joey??" Sarah's eyes widen, searching. "C'mon," she pulls me in the opposite direction, away from Daniel, snatching a last glance of him. Who knows when I would see him again.


We're leaving Sainsburys, the guys that Sarah came with need to be somewhere, and are heading to the car as soon as Joey returns. I know I only have a few moments left, so I quickly glance at the counter hoping that he's still there. I'm used to being let down, and I'm not surprised that he's not there. I take a deep breath, trying to collect myself before anyoe noticed my momentary dejection. Someone must have decided that we were waiting for Joey at the car, because he hadn't come back, but everyone was walking out of the store now towards the car park. One last glance -

And there he was. sitting down at the back of the desk. His head was bent over something. He must have been writing something out, and the cashier at the till had blocked my view of him earlier. "I'll be right back" I say to Sarah, walking towards him. I walk to the desk, and he gets up, inspecting the piece of paper. Satsified he sets in front of someone, and he looks up directly at me. I can't read the expression on his face. He walks along the customer service desk, settling down on a chair on the side out of the way of the customers, with a lower table. I sit on it.
"Hey :), it's been a while"

I can't remember the conversation that we had. But I remember the unspoken so clearly. A person gets in his little corner he settled in, so he gets up and leans on the counter, and I position myself closer to him, sliding along the counter. Suddenly I realise our faces are much closer to eachother, his eyes are searching mine and mine his. We both know that this is either the last or first time we see eachother. I want to kiss him so badly, and my gaze moves to the curves of his lips. The way it dips in the middle. I see him lean forward, and I look away from his lips to his whole face. There's resolution on his face. I can't believe that he wants the same thing as I do, but he kisses me. Soft and first, but for me it's not enough. We have such little time. His hands fingers trace along my arm, and over my shoulder, tingles following his touch. He hand settles on the nape of my neck. My stomach does somersalts over and over. I do't know how it got there, but my hands areo n the side of his face. It's more urgent now, more passionate. I remember his scent being all around me. We finally break away, eventhough my desire for him has not even satisfied, if anything its been heightened. I inhale breathing that scent all around me, trying to hoard every little thing, every little memory for later. It's his eyes I look to, wanting to remember them to most.

I wake up - and I realise I haven't wanted anyone that much for so long now. I had almost forgotten what that was like. And What it felt like to be wanted just as much. 

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

5th July: Justin Garner - Paper Heart

The white hotel sheets lie a crumpled mess on the bed, the pillows hang of the bed. The duvet thrown across the floor. Through the open window, a fresh sea breeze sends a wave through the white net curtains. If you looked through that window you would see the sky a colour ranging from a beautiful blue through to purple, pink and orange, building up to the setting sun. Golden. The sea distorts an image already perfect, reflecting back the most beautiful pieces, adding its own glimmer.

If you looked for a bit longer you would see a silhouette of two people embracing. A girl with long hair blowing away from her face in the gentle breeze. She's in the arms of a taller man, with hair going down to nape of his neck, set in a messy disarray.

If you look closer you would see a communication deeper than the spoken word. A yearning to be so much closer than they already are, as if they exist in two different dimensions of the same moment. A moment so short-lived. You would have missed the tear that spilled from her eyes because he wipes them away so quickly, so tenderly with his thumb. She looks away, at sea, embarrassed. She had promised herself she wouldn't do this. She knew it would only hurt more for when they were apart again. He brushes his thumb across her cheek and along her jawline to under her chin, moving her face back to his. He would never forget her face, but he wanted as much of this one opportunity he got to see her to exist as more than a figment of his imagination. Here she is, her honey brown eyes, in his arms. Perfectly fitted.

Then suddenly it all made sense for him. He could not be without her, and she could never let him go. Fate brought them together, but if karma were to interfere, they would come back here, where time stood still and wait for the tide.

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Monday, 4 July 2011

July 4th: Anxiety by day, anxiety by night

Anika leads the way into a very sleek looking bar/club and me and Helen follow. "C'mon let's get a drink" Anika says to Helen turning her back to me ensuring that I feel left out. Helen glances at me not missing Anika's intentions. She goes with her but gives my hand a squeeze. I sigh feeling resigned to this situation, it's always going to be this way when its the three of us. I watch as all eyes follow them to the bar and I envy them. I feel resigned to that envious emotion also.
I meet Dave and Henry and the other two at a car park. I'm guessing I must have left Helen and Anika behind not having the most patience for them this time. We go to the flat, and while feeling relieved I also feel anxious. Dave is in my room, after I changed stuff in there and I don't want him there tainting it with his presence. He says things to me that is normal and jokey which angers me, to think he can be so normal.
We're all walking in the car park again and Helen sees me. I'm feeling so anxious because I don't want her to know I'm with them. This is the one thing she was scared of me doing, but I don't want her to start shouting the odds when things aren't even clear between me and Dave. We walk up a slope where cars are meant to come down to get to the next level. As we walk up, out of the corner of my eye I see Anika and Helen walking on the upper level. She leans over and looks at me with this pained expreSsion on her face. Dave asks her something and in an icy voice that doesn't belong to her she replies "I'm more worried about her being with you" I just stare at her shaking my head. I don't see Daves face. Henry looks confused.
I'm in the flat and I'm kneeling on the bed trying to put the sheets on properly. Daniel stands there arms folded. I'm angry at him about cancelling so last minute with the beach trip. I'm making the bed to keep my mind of the battle inside my head. Be honest and tell him how annoyed I am or pretend it doesn't mean anything, or tell him in a calm manner he should have gave me more notice.
I settle on the last option, and he promises that he'll make it upto me and that we'll go.
"You said that we would go, even if it was just me and you, then u cancel like that"
"Yeah we'll go"
"Let's go then, right now"
"Please, please, please, you promised! Let's go to cornwall"
I see his exasperated expression and that's when I wake up, feeling disgusted at my shameful begging to him. So yeah won't be doing that in real life.
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Tuesday, 28 June 2011

June 28th: Identity Confusion

So weird dream. Was in a club. First it was just me going to see someone there, loads of people were dancing and drinking. Dark with a red ambience probably created by the light. There were tv's and the steps were red carpet.
It was my birthday and everyone had come including Daniel and Helen. His girlfriend was meant to come to our night out but she decided to go elsewhere because I was drunk elsewhere. My dream is now taking the form of me watching their siloheute shapes from a corridor into a room. She's arguing because she wants him to go with her but he says he has to stay here and look after me. Then I'm him watching her storm off.
He comes back and I feel slightly elated he chose to be with me and we're both sitting on a sofa very similar to the one at the flat. But then he's all over me wanting to have sex and now he's my ex. I say use my talking to my ex voice and offend him and he's gotten off of me and he's Daniel again, offended and regretting his choice to be with me. He starts engaging in conversation with the girl sitting next to us, and I'm hurt. My uncle is also in the dream - he says something to me but I don't know what. My work mate a different one to primark boy takes me into another room and says he could satisfy me, using cigarettes as a demonstration he points out how much of the penis is needed to give the girl pleasure and says he suffices and is there. We go back to the room and he's smoking a cigarette, mayfair, and he's fitting another ten box easily into his current box which has about 5 in there. We get to a school and the girl daniel was with after me is there bawling her eyes out and giving me the dirtiest look ever. I go up some stairs following a single file line. He's waiting to talk to me very made in chelsea/ the hills style. I can't remember the exact words but he asks me out. I say yes. We go into an ICT class and I sit opposite Daniel and we smile at eachother. Then Bernard is beside me being really nice. And I realise I wana be with him. Daniel disappeared and I was suddenly under the impression I had agreed to go out with my ex again. I was thinking of ways to dump my ex so I could make Bernard happy. Hmmm. He was just smiling at me his whole face lighting up as I stared at him
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Sunday, 26 June 2011

June 26th: "The next train is at the end of this hour"

Don't remember much of this dream, only bits and pieces. We were on the trains, me my mum, my sister and my grandparents. My sister and my gran already got on this central line train. It was meant to be mile end station but it looked nothing like it. The doors were beeping and me and mum were running towards it, and we didn't make it. We watched as my sister looks really pissed off. Mum mouths something like we'll meet u at the next stop. I remember yet again feeling rushed and like we have somewhere to be. I think we met her on the next station because suddenly we're reunited and walking along the tracks because the last train won't come until the end of that hour. I.E at 59 minutes. Then we walk through the parts of a station your supposed to walk through, all stairs and ceramic white tiled walls and we're almost being swept away by the crowd. There's a archway to the left of me and I see a train with light blue rails and I realise its a victoria line train. When we finally get onto a train there's my dad and my grandad who I recognise, and we get on a district line train.

When we go home mum dad me and someone else are sitting in my old room. My dad has a blue carrier bag and I see he has cigeratters in them. Mayfair. When they leave I take them, but he comes back and I try to hide them suddenly feeling anxious. I stuff them into a drawer and he sees me. He goes I'm not surprised you had them. And he walks out with them.

I also remember being in a car going down a road at night lined with trees and it was raining.
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Saturday, 25 June 2011

June 25th - "You know how they say in ur dreams..."

So the most amazing dream I had today. Me, Helen and another girl I don't seem to know who were stuck in traffic on the top deck of a bus in central. It was packed out and we were sitting on outer seats in a triangle formation.

Then I was rushing to get somewhere a feeling of being rushed, and I was walking quickly down this road. As I walk I see Stephen Uppal with some other guy and a bit further back but clearly with him another soap actor. I was looking at Stephen Uppal in this omg is it really him expression and he was looking at me with intrigue and confusion and. I walked past him and as I turned back to see if he was looking he was! I remember feeling my stomach flip as he smiled at me. As I walked by his friend that was further back, I took a deep breath and asked him how he was familiar. He said that he was in Hollyoaks, and the whole time he was speaking to me I had my eyes on him. He had said something to the guy that was next to him and stopped walking ahead and walked toward us. I talked to him directly then.
"I didn't realise who you were from last time - you know when I saw you in Funky Buddha"
He chuckles " Yeah, it's me"

They get in a car that's tinted out and black inside. I hear his friends urging him on. I walk on realising that I have to go somewhere, but they pull up next to me and I can see the light on his phone and my heart races. he flips the phone to me. He has my old phone the LG cookie which was abit weird. I try entering my number and I get it wrong, my fingers touching the wrong keys, and my frustration causing more mistakes. I'm so flustered at this point. They tell me to hurry up because they have to be somewhere and it only makes me more flustered. It should have been a quick enter my number and flip his phone back thing. I recite my own number to myself and enter it and when I finally get it right I suddenly think its not my number and enter my ex's number thinking its mine. I only realise my mistake when I wake up and remember tapping in the triple 8 that is in his number.

Anyway I'm so excited when I see the girls and I tell them immediately and they're just as astounded and excited as I am. I wake up as my phone bleeps - my alarm goes off. Dreaded alarm.
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Tuesday, 21 June 2011

21st June: "Wait for the right guy to show up"

This one was funny one. My exBf was with us in slough with Helen and Norman.We went to eat and he was breaking up with me. I can't remember what he was saying. I left the place and saw our old mate Jazz across the road and I ran to him and give him the hugest hug. He was so happy to see me he picked me up and spun me around holding me so tight. His mate was also there. I told him about how my ex was treating me and they were shocked.

I was in some scatty chicken and chip shop sitting on my own in the corner. I was aware I was on my own but strangers were sitting around me an old man to my left and a girl opposite. I ordered a snack box like they have in kfc and two extra pieces of chicken.

Then I was outside in the streets of central london. Daniel was with me as was several other people like my aunt (cassie's mum) we were waiting for a bus when cassie's mum gives me advice on the boys, telling me that I should wait around for a guy that I want to be with and one that wants to be with me and is worth it. She uses Daniel and my ex as bad examples. The whole time she was saying this she had been holding onto a bus, but then the bus moves and drives off and she let's go in astonishment. The bus she had been
waiting for was that one. It was the 5 that takes me home after work. I wasn't waiting for that bus. Daniel was beside me agreeing to my aunt telling me I should wait. I remember at this point the sky was turning blue
in my dream. We walked some more and I don't really remember what happened next. I just know this dream had a theme of lonliness

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Sunday, 19 June 2011

June 19th: "From day one she's been a loner"

Me my sister mum and dad. Me and mum were in a car park. My sister was angry at me for some reason. We got in the car and my sister is sitting in the passenger seat while dad drives. She tells dad to drop me at the station do that I can make my own way home. She said its coz I'm like to do things my own way because I'm a loner and I always have been. From day one at school I've been a loner. Mum doesn't let me go by myself she gets out with me. We're back in the car park, but she's being off. She takes me to the car which is parked and she asks me to put parts of the wheel back on before dad finds out because they fell off. I fix it easily.

I'm in camden, looking at the red spotty bag that I wanted to buy (shopping trip me thinks) and the fat chinese lady is there so I know I'll get it for eight quid. There's a marquee on the otherside of the stall so its a really tight narrow passage. We end up in there but it looks more like a flourescent light lit room inside.

Daniel is in my dream. I remember feelings of anticipation. He's running from something he can't escape. He's about to get in his car, but I know he shouldn't move it. He falls to the floor and when he looks to the bottom of his car he finds the floor covered in bombs layed out like a circuit board each with a flame on top. He quickly blows them all out before it goes off like candles on an alarm. Then he just lies back on the floor like he's resigned to his fate tired and exhausted.
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