Monday, 4 July 2011

July 4th: Anxiety by day, anxiety by night

Anika leads the way into a very sleek looking bar/club and me and Helen follow. "C'mon let's get a drink" Anika says to Helen turning her back to me ensuring that I feel left out. Helen glances at me not missing Anika's intentions. She goes with her but gives my hand a squeeze. I sigh feeling resigned to this situation, it's always going to be this way when its the three of us. I watch as all eyes follow them to the bar and I envy them. I feel resigned to that envious emotion also.
I meet Dave and Henry and the other two at a car park. I'm guessing I must have left Helen and Anika behind not having the most patience for them this time. We go to the flat, and while feeling relieved I also feel anxious. Dave is in my room, after I changed stuff in there and I don't want him there tainting it with his presence. He says things to me that is normal and jokey which angers me, to think he can be so normal.
We're all walking in the car park again and Helen sees me. I'm feeling so anxious because I don't want her to know I'm with them. This is the one thing she was scared of me doing, but I don't want her to start shouting the odds when things aren't even clear between me and Dave. We walk up a slope where cars are meant to come down to get to the next level. As we walk up, out of the corner of my eye I see Anika and Helen walking on the upper level. She leans over and looks at me with this pained expreSsion on her face. Dave asks her something and in an icy voice that doesn't belong to her she replies "I'm more worried about her being with you" I just stare at her shaking my head. I don't see Daves face. Henry looks confused.
I'm in the flat and I'm kneeling on the bed trying to put the sheets on properly. Daniel stands there arms folded. I'm angry at him about cancelling so last minute with the beach trip. I'm making the bed to keep my mind of the battle inside my head. Be honest and tell him how annoyed I am or pretend it doesn't mean anything, or tell him in a calm manner he should have gave me more notice.
I settle on the last option, and he promises that he'll make it upto me and that we'll go.
"You said that we would go, even if it was just me and you, then u cancel like that"
"Yeah we'll go"
"Let's go then, right now"
"Please, please, please, you promised! Let's go to cornwall"
I see his exasperated expression and that's when I wake up, feeling disgusted at my shameful begging to him. So yeah won't be doing that in real life.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device

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